Wave Good-Bye to the Elderly Woman with the Bun

I know she's been around a long time. I applaud her for her auto insurance company endorsement deal and I certainly think she's sweet. But, let's face it, Mrs. Butterworth is full of garbage. Her ingredients list reads as follows: high fructose syrup, corn syrup (seriously?), water, salt, cellulose gum, molasses, sodium hexametaphosphate (what the . . . ??), natural and artificial flavor (caramel color [caramel color is a flavor?], corn syrup [more????]), preservatives (as if this concoction can't preserve itself) (potassium sorbate, sodium benzoate), artificial flavor (shocker!), caramel color [repeat: more???], citric acid (I love parentheticals).

All that trash in my pantry (yes, I own a bottle) can go one of two places: my body or my trash can. Hmmmmm. Let's weigh the pros and cons of eating this syrup-they-can't-legally-call-maple. In the pros column we can write "tastes good." Good. We're off to a great start. Then let's add . . . um. OK, let's try the cons column then we'll get back to the pros. We can write that "it contains high fructose corn syrup," which we know has been genetically modified. It also "contains chemicals, not foods, which have been linked to various ailments including diabetes and certain cancers." Need we go on?

If the ingredients isn't enough to scare anyone away from ingesting this goo-that-technically-shouldn't-be-categorized-as-food, the fact that the real deal (I mean maple syrup, folks) is readily available should give you pause before continuing in this damaging relationship.

So, in my quest to cleanse my refrigerator and pantry of artificial additives and nasty things like high fructose corn syrup Mrs. Butterworth is going down the drain and her bottle will head to the recycling bin, soon to be followed by her partner in crime, Kraft mayonnaise. And with her passing goes every last bit of surreptitious corn syrup from my food supply. I know I have no reason to be eating this trash, so why even keep it around?